#5: Philomena

I am no stranger to old-people films at Plaza Frontenac, where I am the youngest person in the theater by thirty-five years.  I try to choose those films wisely, though, directing my mother to stuff that runs at the 20-screen cineplex five minutes from the house and saving the olds conventions for the stuff she really wants to see.  I managed to miss Philomena and I never regretted it, but I liked it way more than I thought I would. I realized I hadn't watched a movie in over a week so I needed to get on it, and this was one of the choices on the DVR.

Judi Dench, naturally, was flawless as Philomena but I need to talk about Steve Coogan for a second.  As you know, I don't see nearly the movies I want to so I'm not really in the know but I literally never heard of this dude before Philomena.  Apparently he's been around since I was eleven, so what do I know? Anyway, he produced and co-wrote this film (based on the book The Lost Child of Philomena Lee by journalist Martin Sixsmith) and acted as sort of an audience proxy, becoming enraged when I did and letting a nun have it in a very satisfying manner.  I don't want to stereotype all nuns because there are some good ones out there, but if you've been around enough of them you've probably had the urge to punch one in the face at least once.  I've never actually done it and Coogan doesn't either, but the ending is nearly as satisfying.

Irish homes for unwed mothers have been getting some deserved bad press of late, and I think the little that I've read about the Tuam scandal brought Philomena's story to life for me.  Even the girls and their babies who were treated "well" by the sisters running the homes suffered, and boy is the movie gut-wrenching.  I mean, these poor girls.  Their poor babies.  What madness.  What tragedy.  It's amazing the happy ending Philomena was able to scrabble from the shambles of her story, and there are so many women out there who never knew what happened to their children.  One thing I thought of while watching was, I wonder if these idiots on Teen Mom know how lucky they are, being able to fuck up their own kids so royally?  (I want to make it clear that I do not think girls are idiots for getting pregnant in high school: Shit happens.  But I have yet to see one of these MTV fame rats not prove my worst suspicions about them.)  If they'd lived in mid-century Ireland they'd be ironing bedsheets and watching through barred windows as their kids were sold off from underneath them.  What luxury, then, to keep your child in your house and develop relationships with them.  Underlying the whole film is a sense of the luxury we live in now, and how much we take it for granted.

#4: Into the Woods

Full disclosure:  I am not a musical person.  I don't like stage musicals and I don't like movie musicals.  There are exceptions - The Sound of Music is one of my all-time favorite films of any genre, Chicago, The Music Man - but when it's my choice, I'm not choosing a musical.  But it wasn't my choice; my aunt is here this weekend and my goal was to entertain these two old ladies for a couple hours (I sound like a babysitter saddled with someone's rowdy kids).  I achieved half that goal.

I didn't realize at first how little I liked the movie; I just knew I was waiting for it to get going.  But I kept having to wait and wait and wait.  Apparently I sighed and my mom turned to me, commiserating.  She was miserable too.  I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom, realizing once I got into the lobby that I should have taken the opportunity to grab my purse and run an errand (something my mother suggested after the fact, insisting she wouldn't have caused a commotion wanting to know why I was taking off - yeah, right).  Instead I paced the carpet, which was really nice.  Take note: The carpet at the Great Escape theater in Fenton looks like it has been replaced recently.

I peed.

I texted several people, bemoaning the dullness of the film.

I posted to Facebook, declaring this movie worse than both Left Behind and Human Centipede.  I mean, that is really saying something.

If you don't know, Into the Woods is an adaptation of a stage musical, where basically every fairy tale character you've ever heard of is rolled up into a big singing ball of boredom.  And Anna Kendrick sucks.  I love Anna Kendrick.  It hurts my very soul to tell you that her acting was terrible in this movie.  But I have to tell you the truth, and the truth is that, even at cheap $6.50 matinee prices, this movie is not worth it.  I'd rather pluck my eyelashes out one at a time.  I mentioned in my Beaches review that my movie opinions are pretty much limited to good, bad, meh, feh, or rage.  I'd rage against the movie if the damn thing hadn't made me so fatigued.  So, it gets a bad.  Fourth movie in, and we've found one I do not like in the least.  Progress!

#3: Fried Green Tomatoes

This is a movie I'd never seen in its entirety before.  I remembered Kathy Bates yelling "Towanda!" and I remembered Chris O'Donnell getting hit by a train but that was it, and I gotta be honest, I wasn't entirely sure I wasn't remembering the train bit from The Man in the Moon but Google tells me that was Jeremy London and I'm pretty sure he died in a thresher accident, not getting hit by a train.  Oh, early-'90s young Hollywood pretty boys.  You were being killed off via accidents in the rural South left and right.

I was way too young to understand "Towanda!" at the time the movie came out.  I'm happy to report that I am now of an age where Towanda means something to me, which essentially means I'm old.  I seem to be more in touch with my reproductive system than Kathy Bates is in movie, though, so hey, progress.

This one gets a 73% over at Rotten Tomatoes, which makes me happy.  It's a "chick flick" but it's an actual good movie, based on a novel by the always-delightful Fannie Flagg, who I just love to pieces.  She's the kind of Southern I wish the whole South was like.

Jessica Tandy made me cry.  I'm a sucker, what can I say? I regularly get teary at the NBC Nightly News, so maybe this wasn't a Herculean feat for the deceased Ms. Tandy, but she also made me think about my own life, which Brian Williams rarely does beyond my desperate need for him to report when I die and refer to me as selfless.  That's, like, my #1 life goal.

It's a good movie.  I liked it.  This is the third movie in a row I liked, but I also know that if I really hate a movie I likely won't watch it all the way through and won't report on it here.  I'm like that.

Movie #2: Beaches

Once again, let us discuss a movie I've seen before, though I'm pretty sure the last time I saw it in its entirety was also the first time I ever saw it, and it was in the '90s, so it might as well not even be counted. I gotta be honest here, my movie reviews are pretty rudimentary, coming down to whether I liked it or not.  I'm not a film scholar; my degree is in lit.  So while you may get some actual thoughtful content on the other blog, over here it's pretty much just good, bad, feh, meh, or rage.  This gets a good.  It's a good movie if you feel emotionally constipated and need to cry it out.

Film #1: The Princess Bride

I don't have much to say about this one.  It's 100% awesome and if you've never seen it, do.  If you don't like it the first time, watch it again.  It's smart and hilarious and sweet and romantic and adventurous and, hell, even Kevin Arnold likes it by the end.  That's saying something.  I could sit here quoting random lines for days, but then you would hate me and the film, and I don't want you to hate this movie.  It's perfection.

I wasn't sure I wanted to include re-watched movies, but watching any film is like pulling teeth with me, so I'm taking credit.